i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
me + whiskey = a bad person
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
