the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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