come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
