too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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