Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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