Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
