Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The air was thick with penises
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
