Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
