he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
did you just send me my own nude
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize