this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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