You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize