I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
