It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
