The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
