All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
