..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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