Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
