Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
