just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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