I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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