I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize