The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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