There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Randomize
