I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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