i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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