I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
