dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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