3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
