ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
