I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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