Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize