Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
