Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
