: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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