Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
