I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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