I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
