i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
