she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
