He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
