if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
