You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
