Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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