Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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