I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
