you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
