I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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