every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
