Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
