I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
