If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this beer tastes like vomit already
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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