I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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