That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize