my phone needs a breathalizer
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
