This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
